Peace...
No one wants me to be myself. Apparently, myself scares a lot of people or creeps them out.
I am frequently accused of being mean, unapproachable, and scary. I really don't get why that is. I don't think I am. I think I'm just me. But my mother says everyone can't be wrong.
My mother is my primary example. She has never accepted me as is. One of the reasons we don't gel. I don't know what unconditional love is. Never had it. Now that I'm older and I don't need her for necessities, it makes that aspect of our relationship more pronounced.
Consequently, I put on appearances for people. Not all people, just people who I HAVE to deal with. If I need something from you, I'll examine you to figure the best approach. Clients always get a polite me. I can tell when folks are being shady. And the moment our business has concluded... especially so if I KNOW you aren't going to do more business... I get real. Most people can't handle that. I don't know why. It's not nasty. But when we are done you will know you have been dismissed and by me.
The only people who have ever given me feedback are exes. And they can't be trusted or they wouldn't be exes. Other "friends" will tell me that they have been busy and will call me later. But these exes tell me I'm too intense. I require too much of them. And not anything that can be tangibly qualified. They feel like they MUST be men in my presence. They are exhausted once they leave me. I don't know how to take that.
The people who know me as I am and yet accept me... are my dearest friends. Seriously. They've been my friends for years. The newest person to accept me just as I am is my God. And he did that more than 7 years ago. So you can see I go through friends like folks go thru soda. It is what it is.
But what's so wrong with me that people can't accept me? I don't smell. I don't ask for favors. I don't borrow money. It doesn't cost anybody anything to be cool with me. Hmmm.... I'm not losing sleep dwelling on it. It came through my mental.
I thought I'd share....
Peace
Nothing is wrong with being you, but I think the moment you question it than that is when it becomes a problem. Don't worry about what people think about you. . . if you do worry than for the rest of your life you'd never sleep. LOL.
ReplyDeleteIt's great that you decided to get your feelings out through blogging though. That's a great way to get a different perspective on things, because when people leave comments you get to recieve objective feedback about things you may have never though about yourself.
Keep it up!
You are describing me, all of it. I feel fortunate that I don't have to go out in the world to make a living. I couldn't do it. So much easier to communicate through writing. I have time to think carefully about what I say and how I say it. I'm much happier being a loner.
ReplyDeleteYou guys are the best!
ReplyDelete