Black Women

Peace.

I was having a conversation with one of our patients yesterday. I'm super friendly with patients... it's part of the job. And it's authentic.... even though I don't aspire to be a “nice” person.... but anyway.... We were both Black women just shooting the breeze about how we navigate this wilderness.....

And I realize... It is so fucking hard to exist in this country being a Black person and additionally being female. I wanna say that we aren't supported by the men of our race... But that's a build for another time.

I'm an inconsistent outside runner. I say inconsistent because if the weather is bad I don't run. And I don't have a treadmill or a gym membership so there is no running indoors. I like being outside. Anywho.... I have had numerous life lessons associated with running outdoors.... (1) always make sure your clothes match. If not, and your Black, you look like your fleeing from a crime scene. That's one of the reasons I don't run in the cold. Because to layer up to warmth has me looking like a thief. Especially if my face is partially covered. Here is the thing... when I go over to areas where white folks are known to run and they dress ragedy.... they look like runners. Not to me, but to other people. So the lesson I took from that is that as a Black person I have to look non-intimidating otherwise I will be detained by the police. Even though I'm a woman....

But because I'm a woman I have learned (2) to be prepared to prove... if possible... that I am actually running and not 'solicitating'. This shit pisses me way the fuck off. Basically, folks see me on the street and just assume I'm a hoe. Nevermind that I am exercising in my own damn neighborhood. The only reason for a Black WOMAN to be outdoors is because she is looking to have illicit sex with strangers for money? But... there are Black male runners in my hood. We've had the occasional convo. They too get stopped by the police, but it is never for soliciting. It's always a check. Funny, I get the checks too and the extras.

I don't like them 'checks' either. Not only because it's an insult to me, but because you search for zones when running. To stop in the middle throws the entire run off. Because you either cool down and slow your heart rate. And you want your heart rate to hit a certain spot and maintain it there, That makes you stronger as a person and stronger as a runner. If your training for respectable distances than this is a problem getting frequently pulled over.

Problem (3) So, don't run in my own neighborhood. Run on dedicated tracks. Well..... on holidays and weekends I can run at the local school's track... if they allow it. Sometimes they do, sometime they don't. It's all about how they feel and what's going on. If soccer practice is happening or school is session you aren't welcome. So there is no true consistency in there. I could go to trails.... But the trails in this county have histories of women being raped and killed there. I'd be running alone so....... yeah no. I'd rather be accused of whoredom than killed. I could run the beltline... I could... I have.... But the beltline is for white people. No there's no 'white's only' sign but there might as well be. I've run the beltline.... By the time you find a place to leave your car... most of the spots over there are metered..... And get to running... the white runners treat you like you have ebola and want to infect their babies. And the cops ARE GOING to stop you and question you about how you got loose from your hood. You better have your license and some cash in your pocket or they could get you for vagrancy or loitering. Running while Black is a real thing.

It's not just running. I'm marginalized at every opportunity by him/devil. I was in a restaurant with some girlfriends and we were sitting at the bar. Every time we ordered something we were asked to pay immediately. As a former bartender, that immediately got my attention. If you want people to keep drinking and ordering items, you don't make them pay after every order. Mentally when people pay, they are ready to go. My friends paid... I waited. I told the bartender I wasn't done with my order and retained the menu. I observed the bartender running tabs for all the white people but insisting that all the Black people pay up front. I decided on water and when we left and my girls were about to tip the bartender, I told them to stop. The bartender got mad and told me that he was entitled to tips. That was enough to insure my friends were NOT going to tip. But I informed him... loudly... that I observed him running tabs for white people, but not for Black people. He said Black people run out on bills. He just insured that all the other Black people sitting there weren't going t tip.

I don't have to tell you about being followed in stores. All Black people get that. I don't have to tell you about the everyday racism and discrimination that all Black people face. But as a woman... I get extra special discrimination. Here is a list of things people assume when they look at me.....

I have several children.... by different men.
I have never been married.
I live in the projects
I was raised by any other female relative other than my biological mother
I'm on welfare or have been on it at some point
I have a relative in jail.
I've never voted.
I have some hustle going on.
My hair isn't real.
I'm uneducated.
I work a menial job.
I don't know my father well or at all.
I have bad credit.
I turn up every Saturday night with brown liquor and then praise white Jesus all day on Sunday.

This is some bullshit to have to wake up knowing I'm going to have to face every day. But I do it because there is nothing else to do. But since it's wrong... I do get to bitch about it.

I'm exhausted.


Peace

profanity and ebonics

I hate bitch assed haters. I know I'm supposed to make my haters my motivators, but I (a) have too many and (b) I can find folks more inspiring..... The topic of this particular rant are these Southern Peach chicas who think that the way they do shit is the only way it can be done.

I do my own nails. When I moved to my current address it was over an hour round trip to my regular technician. I braved it for a few months.... the shops here are too ghetto/unprofessional.... they make you wait when there are no clients, yet plenty of techs in the back. When they make me wait at the minimal 30 minutes in an empty shop.....I leave with about 5 bottles of their polish. My time is worth something. Another shop tried to rob me by charging you me shit they ain't do. I called on chick out on it and she called the police on me like that was supposed to scare me. Really... she learned that day. The police sided with me! I have a car. I can go anywhere I choose. That's one half of this particular hater coin. The other half is I decided to do my own nails. I went to the BSS, bought all the shit and do my own nails. You cannot tell that the Asians ain't do them. I used to do my own nails when I was in grad school. I got proficient enough to do other folks nails. I like to feel some luxury so when I started working steady I let someone else do them for me. I can do most things to my nails with the exception of airbrushed designs. So where is the hate?

My real estate agent made a comment about how thick my nails where. I don't normally discuss my grooming habits with folks. Because people be wanting to share opinions about shit that ain't their business. I HATE unsolicited advice. But.... I was eating and all in my feelings about my vittles. I was distracted and said, “I make them thick because they don't crack.” She caught that and said, “You do your own nails??? You can't tell....” I said, “Isn't that the point?” The convo went on for a hot second about how and why. Now I catch her constantly checking my hands to see the status of my nails. If she deems them busted she makes sure to mention it. Here's the thing.... my nails are never busted. I don't have to wait until nail day to do make adjustments. But the polish may chip or I might be growing them out a bit from the cuticle. I don't need this trick to be up on my hands. And I know she only does that to me because she knows I do my own nails. Another of our colleagues... who gets her nails done... I asked her why she didn't comment on her nails. She said, “Oh she gets hers done professionally.” I need new friends.....

Another chick who knows I sew, is always asking me last minute to make repairs. She has no compunction to show up at the crib and say, “I need you to hem this, I'm wearing it in 15 minutes.” Once might be okay. But now I avoid her like herpes. And because of this she shades my name amongst our so-called friends. I'm not compassionate. I hoard my talents. Had she asked in a reasonable time frame, I might accommodate her. I TOLD her her shit is shady. This means nothing to her. I've asked why she doesn't go to the cleaners and let them do her alterations.... She literally said, “They charge too much.” which means she doesn't want to pay. This bitch buys garments and fabric with me doing something with them in mind. We don't speak anymore. Seriously... I avoid her like I do the Jehovah's Witnesses.

I think I'm pissed because I must appear as an easy mark. Just because I can do something, doesn't mean I want to do it for you or that my homemade version is somehow low budget. It's not. My clothes fit me well without pinning or wearing spanx. No, you can't come to my house and have me cook you some food. The only grown people I cook for is Precise and my mother. If you come to the crib, you can't drink up my liquor or assume control over my remote control. You cannot. You didn't pay for the privilege. I'm over being nice and sharing. Because in this day and age folks don't share back. And I'm over your judging... especially if you can't do what I do. I'm not broke, and that's why I make my own clothes. I make my own clothes because it's a hobby I love and I can.... So fuck you bitches!!!!

I don't do this to people. You invite to your home to break bread, I'm bringing something and inviting you back to mine. I do reciprocity. Not the "68 and I'll owe you 1" type shit. I only drink if I brought a bottle. And when I leave. I don't ask for plates and I don't take my brought shit back. If I know someone has a skill, I compensate them for the ability. I don't do freebies and hookups. I'm the best friend ever. But I know and understand how to use the word “No”. But as far as these damn haters go.... I have no problem throwing the 1st punch.